Archives: December 2018

Open New Year’s Eve Post: Hosted By The Queen Of Las Vegas Proving Why She’s The Queen Of Las Vegas

December 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Lady Gaga tried it with that bootleg ass Jazz from Transformers that’s obviously made out of aluminum foil and silver-painted cardboard, but during her Las Vegas show Enigma last night, the real magic happened in the audience.

The forever reigning Queen of Las Vegas (insert a quadruple side-eye from Elton John and Liberace here) Celine Dion was gracious enough to slip off of her rhinestone-encrusted gold throne to visit the show of a lesser. I’ve been to a handful of Vegas shows (and I have the missing internal organs to prove it since that’s what a normal ticket costs), and at some of them, bitches sit there like cold lumps of grumpiness, and probably because they realize that for the price of the ticket they paid they could’ve gotten a mid-tier hooker and a plate at the Bellagio buffet instead. But not Celine Dion. During Gaga’s show, Celine put on her own show in the audience. Celine did pretty much every single move from the opening of Jem and the Holograms.

This is the same move I do whenever the Henny Penny episode of The Golden Girls comes on while I’m flipping through the channels. It’s also the move my b-hole ring does when absolutely any trick on Grindr responds to me.

Happy New Year, tricks!

May your 2019 be like that clip of Celine, and by that I mean, may you become insanely rich, covered in couture, and so fuck-free that you’ll proudly dance like Mary Catherine Gallagher on Ecstasy in public.

Pic: Twitter

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Kevin Spacey Is Trying To Get Out Of Going To Court

December 31, 2018 / Posted by:

 

Kevin Spacey is still trying to prove to us he isn’t scum by making some creepy, ill-advised rounds in the aftermath of his sexual harassment allegations. On Christmas Eve, Kevin became Santa’s least favorite Ho when he slipped into a festive apron to address the allegations in character as his House of Card character Frank Underwood on YouTube, and all that did was make me think of what Colonel Sanders would sound like if he was accused of molesting his chickens. In other words; No Kevin. So how does one follow up a significant failure such as that one? By delivering pizza the the paps! What he should’ve done is deliver a thank you pizza to Louis C.K. instead.

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The Rock Bought His Mom A New House For Christmas

December 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Somehow, The Rock is only just now getting around to buying his mom a new house for Christmas. To be fair, according to his post about it on Instagram, it’s not the first time The Rock has given her a crib. His parents divorced five years after he bought them a new house in 1999. That would have been a WWE house anyway, now mom is getting a Disney house. I hope he also bought one for Emily Blunt to make up for their Jungle Cruise pay disparity.

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Leaked Audio Of A Recent Louis C.K. Set Is Hopefully The Final Nail In His Coffin

December 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Here lies Louis C.K. The once popular, rich, and creatively fulfilled comedian’s career can finally be put to rest (God willing). He is survived by his children who probably already hate him, and possibly, Sarah Silverman. He leaves behind a tarnished legacy primarily comprised of hack masturbation jokes and 2 million unboxed DVDs of I Love You, Daddy moldering away in a some storage shed in Queens. Services are being held on Twitter.

The cause of death was leaked audio of a comedy set Louis did on December 16th that proved he is still the spiteful, petulant, narcissist hack he always was. Because Louis, a grown man, has had his feelings hurt, he’s taking it out on the children who survived the Parkland shooting, and young people who dare ask people to address them using their correct pronouns. Yes, it was a questionable choice of material. But worst of all, none of it was funny in the least.

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Angelina Jolie Doesn’t Want Her Kids To Be “Perfectly Behaved Little People”

December 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Now that her divorce with Brad Pitt has moved past the custody phase (I think? Like I don’t want to jinx her), Angelina Jolie is starting the follow-up struggle: recovering her tattered public persona. It’s hard to come out of a malicious divorce without looking like an evil bitch, and considering how many “sources” were popping up to spill some tea, Angie definitely didn’t. But here she is talking about her kids, so how can she be a bitch?

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The Sun Says That Ariana Grande Was Offered Damehood, But Turned It Down

December 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Last year, a terrorist attacked an Ariana Grande in Manchester, England, and twenty-two innocent people were killed, as well as the suicide bomber. Two weeks after the attack, Ariana put together a benefit concert for the victims’ families. Enter The British Honours Committee.  They’ve apparently been so impressed with her efforts of throwing the concert and visiting injured victims after the attack that they wanted to offer her Dame status to which she kindly replied with “thank u, next.

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