You’re not going to have Angelina Jolie-Pitt to kick around anymore! You’re going to have to save your petty scorn for somebody else (I’m looking at you, Chelsea), because that woman no longer exists. Us Weekly reports that Angie’s legally rid herself of the Pitt name. This is probably the closest she’ll come to erasing the whole sordid affair short of commissioning an enormous wicker basket and leaving all of her children on the steps of a church.
In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.
Here’s some “news” that will make you seriously consider packing everything up and moving to Borneo to become a humble rubber tree farmer with no internet or TV. According to The Sun (anyone seen my salt shaker?), the reason Angelina Jolie has been dragging out her divorce from William Bradey Pitt, is because she wants him back. I solemnly swear that if Brad and Angelina ever dare get back together after all they’ve put us through, I will jump off the nearest cliff. It’s not fair that I should be the one to die, but it’s the only way to ensure I don’t suffer.
The first trailer for Quentin Tarantino’s 9th movie, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood (alternate title based on the picture above: Leo Smells A Fart), has arrived. I guess QT’s decided to start numbering them to remind us that we won’t have him to kick around for much longer. The good news is that it looks like QT may have taken our notes and decided not to use the N-word in every other sentence in this one. I guess the only way for him to avoid that was to not write any black characters (as far as I could tell from looking at IMDB) at which to hurl it. I guess Samuel L. Jackson has finally had enough now that he’s stacking up all those shiny Marvel coins.
If you were expecting promo material for Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming Charles Manson movie, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, to tip its hat toward the actual material of, y’know, how brutal the Manson murders were, you’d be wrong. That’s not shocking since just about every piece of promo material so far has made this movie seem more like a jolly-good time in Southern California than anything else. Quentin has to splash his special brand of mind-bending whatever on his ninth film, which means the movie poster seems more apropos for Weekend At Bernie’s.
Angelina Jolie recently popped up at the live-action Dumbo premiere with a good amount of her and Brad Pitt’s children on display. This inspired a “source” to reach out to Us Weekly to claim that Angie taking the kids out of the house and into the sunlight displeased Brad. One would think he’d be too busy debating whether or not to try and get ex-wife Jennifer Aniston back in his hemp-smelling clutches seeing as they’ve been seen in the same room lately. But you know, kids are important and stuff or whatever, bro.