Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Emily Heller!

Emily Heller is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and she’s a producer on Bill Hader’s show Barry, which is why she was at the Emmys last night. Emily Heller can also add “photo agency troll” to her resume, because she carried a purse that made non-Getty photographers drop their cameras, roll their eyes, and keep it moving. Okay, now I know that the sight of an Emily Heller at the Emmys isn’t exactly making photographers shank each other in the throat and break each other’s lenses to get EXCLUSIVE shots of her (they were probably saving those moves to get the first shots of Kiki Dunst’s spectacular nursing chichis), but a good troll move is a good troll move.

Emily tweeted the pics with this caption:

You know who was really excited to take pictures of this purse? @gettyimages. You know who wasn’t? Every other photographer there.

And here’s what the pic of Emily’s watermark purse looks like on Getty’s site with the watermark. Watermarkception!

Getty has been known for being the Taylor Swift of photo agencies, because they will sue a trick for a crazy amount of money for copyright infringement. So Emily Heller needs to fire up a free copy of QuickBooks, because if Getty hits her with a $500 million lawsuit threat for using their logo without permission, she can immediately hit them back with a $501 million invoice for publicity, bitch!

Pics: Steve Grantiz/Wireimage, John Shearer/Getty

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 17, 2018 / Posted by:

Sony’s Watchman!

Tonight is the Emmys, so it’s a perfect time to pay tribute to an important contribution to television, and by an “important contribution” I mean something that hardly anybody ever had because it cost the price of five healthy internal organs and the quality was slightly better than watching TV on a half-eaten discarded tater tot (not even a full potato, because I’m sure a full potato had better quality as a portable TV than the Sony Watchman).

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 16, 2018 / Posted by:

Tesco Cat!

Who among us hasn’t casually strolled into a grocery store, knocked a box of treats off the shelf, and then took a nap on it? Hell, I may or may not be writing this post on my phone as my head lies on a bag of Hot Fries and my hungover carcass is sprawled out in the middle of an aisle at Ralph’s. That’s just some regular Sunday morning behavior.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 15, 2018 / Posted by:

Hi-C Candy Apple Cooler!

If anybody got diagnosed with diabetes in the mid-80s, the first thing the doctor asked was probably, “Did you happen to drink more than half a box of Candy Apple Cooler?” Because Hi-C’s Candy Apple Cooler was so damn sweet that even typing its name has given me three cavities. As I’ve said many, many times on this blog (because this fact still traumatizes to this day), my mom never regularly gave us candy, or sweet cereal, or anything FUN to eat, but for some reason, she thought Hi-C was healthy-ish.

So we got boxes of Hi-C every now and again, and because I was a regular Little Chrissy (aka a Sugar Zombie), my mouth latched onto whatever Hi-C flavor was the sweetest, and Candy Apple Cooler may have won that title. I can’t exactly remember what Candy Apple Cooler tasted like, but if I blended up a candy apple, added a bag of sugar, and a few tablespoons of corn syrup, I’d probably come sort of close to capturing the teeth-exploding sweetness of Candy Apple Cooler.

And then there was the commercial that had a jingle that burrowed into ears and stayed there. It’s obvious that the kid actors in this never actually drank Candy Apple Cooler while shooting it. Yes, they’re annoyingly perky and have the energy of a Chihuahua on Red Bull, but they’d be on the ceiling if they drank Candy Apple Cooler throughout the day.

That girl in the yellow is Alyssa Milano. It’s strange that she continued to work after that, because you’d think she’d retire after realizing that her career has peaked and it’s never going to get better than a Hi-C Candy Apple Cooler commercial.

Pic: YouTube

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 14, 2018 / Posted by:

Dre Kirkpatrick of the Cincinnati Bengals (that’s football to my fellow sports dum dums) did a little promo and community work yesterday by dropping into a nursing home in town before their game against the Baltimore Ravens. Dre threw a tailgate party for the memaws and pepaws complete with a DJ who busted out a mix of Regulate and Next Episode.

Dre probably thought he might get a toe tap or a head nod (or a “motherfucker, this party is trash without a Wertherstini or a Metamucil daiquiri” look) from the oldies, but today’s HSOTD gave him more than that and HOW! One lady turned that bitch out and gave everyone a show when she shook her shit. The voice of Nate Dogg just does that to a memaw, I guess.

In the span of 30 seconds, ole’ girl busted out a quick twerk, The Walker, The Twist, and the “come here, little brat, so I can slap you down with this slipper” move. She dared her hip to break and that hip knew better than to mess up this funky good time.

Our current reigning HSOTM, Mary Halsey, works in a nursing home. Sadly, she doesn’t work in that nursing home, because she lives in Rhode Island. But still, Mary and this Fly Girl Memaw should get together and hit the road. Hip hop would never be the same again!

Pic: Twitter (For Pushy)

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 13, 2018 / Posted by:

The neon Virgin Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne statue!

Just like that Saint George statue and, of course, the legendary fucked-up beauty Ecce Homo, a statue in Spain has gotten a glamorous makeover and was taken from “bland basic bitches” to stunningly gorgeous cholita ravers. The artist responsible for splattering layers of neon charisma and beauty onto Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne is María Luisa Menéndez, a tobacco shop owner in the teeny tiny village of El Rañadorio (population: 16) in northwestern Spain.

The 15th century statues live in a shrine in the village’s chapel. They were professionally restored 15 years ago, but The Guardian says that María Luisa felt like they needed a fresh summer look and got permission from the parish priest to do it. So Salvador Dali’s long-lost cousin pulled out the finest paints money can buy (read: cheap ass preschool paints found in the clearance section of a Michael’s) and spent 18 hours a day for three years (read: probably 15 minutes total) painstakingly glamour-ing Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne. Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne are probably up in heaven right now, touching up their exquisite cholita brows with a Sharpie while saying, “FINALLY, somebody captured us in our true form!”

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